A good friend of mine from high school, upon hearing Portland: The Album, described my rapping on “My Name Is MAX” as “painful.”  And indeed, anyone who knows anything about rap would probably agree.  But, in this week’s song, I’m afraid I’m back at the two turntables and a microphone, rapping again.  I promise not to subject you to this very often.  This week’s song, “Portlandia,” is a homage to the statue of that name that graces downtown Portland.  I remember when Portlandia was first put in, and I remember thinking it was a bit strange back then.  But what would Portlandia say if she could talk (or rap)?  Maybe something like this.

Oh, and yes, Portlandia’s voice is mine, as filtered through the wonders of technology...

Lyrics:

(Portlandia, Portlandia!

Hail to thee Portlandia!)

So I’m Portlandia,

Not any Jane, Phylils or Andrea.

My crib is down on Southwest Fifth Avenue.

If you can’t find me, don’t know what to tell you,

‘Cause I’m a fifty-foot woman looking over you.

Portlandia, that’s my jive,

Rocking your city since 1985,

The year Marty McFly went back in time,

And now I’m back with a funky rhyme..

(Portlandia, Portlandia!)

What’s your name, who’s your Daddy?  His name is Ray.

Raymond Kaskey built Port-l-a-n-d-i-a.
He’s the man who designed me long ago,

Made me thirty feet bending with room to grow.

Like Moses I came up the river to my home,

But from this Egypt I’ll never roam.

‘Cause this is my city and I love it here,

Put your hands in the air, give P-town a cheer.

I’ll be here with my staff in my hand,

I won’t fail you, ‘cause I am Portlandia...

(Portlandia, Portlandia!)

Now, you may ask me, “do you ever feel naughty,

With your long, flowing hair and your coppertone body?”

So, let me say it once, let me make it clear:

It gets a little old just crouching here.

I’d love to get up, maybe go to the coast.

I hear Cadillac Cafe makes a mean rye toast.

Hiking on Mount Hood or seeing the falls,

I could go to the movies or hit the malls.

But that’s not in the cards, it’s not meant to be--

Options are limited for a woman like me.

So I’ll just stay here, fixed fast to the land,

I don’t mind it, though, ‘cause I get to be Portlandia.

(Portlandia, Portlandia!)

So the next time you feel lost here in PDX

Don’t be alarmed, don’t be perplexed,

Just head on over to Southwest Fifth.

Look up in the air, and your spirits will lift,

‘Cause I’ll be looking down watching over you,

You don’t have to worry, ‘cause I’m forever true.

You’ve got a friend who touches the sky.

Stick with me, ‘cause Portlandia takes you high...

Portlandia takes you high...

High...

High...